So I was about to drop another episode of These American Servers onto an indifferent world. It's about automatically adding gratuities onto the checks of large parties and how I don't like to do it. Then something happened today at work that I want to add, so I'm just putting some of my random rambling thoughts on here for right now. Enjoy!
Blog! What a disgusting-sounding word. If I didn't know what it meant I'd guess it was something nasty involving the digestive system. So I'm not a blogger anymore. From now on, I'm an Internet Columnist.
I found a couple of blogs (Wups! I mean Internet Columns) that are similar to mine. In subject matter anyway; the quality of their material is a lot higher. One is The Only Slightly Cranky Waitress and the other is The Bitchy Waiter. They're both interesting and entertaining. I think they should team up and be The Cranky Bitchy Waitress, but that title already belongs to my coworker, Tanya G.
Several years ago I got a job at Friday's. It sucked and I hated it so after a couple of weeks I just stopped showing up. For several days afterward I'd get voicemails saying stuff like, "Joe? Are ya coming in today? You're scheduled!". The reasons it sucked are too many to mention here, but high on the list was that it was my first gig to require employees to refer to customers as guests. "Treat everyone like an honored guest in your home!", was the counsel of management. If you go to my shitty apartment you'll probably be offered some refreshments but they won't be Potstickers or Andre the Peachlifters and you're not going to be charged money! Longtime readers (both of them) of TAS probably think I like being pretentious and they're right. So since we're not supposed to call them customers and I think it's lame to call them guests, I call them clients.
If you don't like the rightward direction America seems to have taken recently, there's probably not much you can do about it. But you can make sure that you pronounce the surname of the new Speaker of the United States House of Representatives as "boner", if you have any reason to refer to him at all. Or if something is not to your liking, instead of just saying that it sucks or whatever, try "That hoovers my anus like Dick Cheney!" I started using that one early in the Bush Jr administration and it always got a laugh. But I guess I overused it so I'm putting it into retirement and passing it on to you. You can have it for free. Since you're probably the only person reading this you could claim it as your own and no one will know the difference.
Look for the next edition of These American Servers coming soon. It's probably going to be about adding a gratuity if the party contains six or more clients. Meanwhile, hit me up at These American Servers on Facebook (up there at the top where it says Search. If you get the option, choose product/service, not company) or email email@example.com if you want to. I'm pretty sure nobody's reading this and I dare you to prove me wrong!
This part here is from Wednesday, 1-12-'11, most of the rest of it is from a week or so ago. I knew there were a lot of servers in America, I just didn't know they all had an internet column. If I had of known, I probably wouldn't have started this little project, but oh well. Anyway, I was pretty sure that no one was reading this when a really good internet columnist was kind enough to add a link to my ordeal on her page. She's pretty popular, and the thought that maybe somebody might read this now brought tears to my eyes (there was no sniffling though, I promise!). So I think I'll help some other internet columnists out and put some links here on TAS. No charge and ya don't owe me, but if you want to help flog my blog, I won't object!
See the picture of the cute dogs? Click on it. Unless I'm even more retarded than I think I am, you should immediately see my These American Servers Facebook page. If it's all the same to you, I'd really appreciate it if you would "LIKE" the fuck out of it. Thanks and have a good one everybody!