Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Arose for Emily ©2013 by Joe Sixtop all rights reserved

     Don't get romantically interested in any of your co-workers, OK? Hey, you do what you want and I'll wish you the best. It's just that I care and I'm trying to spare ya any situations containing a high probability of awkwardness, disappointment or unhappiness, among other unpleasant potentialities. I recently started hanging out a little bit after work with this co-worker of mine. I grew kind of interested, and tonight at her house, I made a move. Re-jected! Oh well, I'm a big grown-up and I'll be OK. The only reason I even mention it is because I've been meaning to tell y'all a little bit about another co-worker, named Emily, who shares an apartment with the woman who just wants to be my "friend" (presumably without benefits). The roommateness doesn't have anything to do with this story, it's just a weird little coincidence and I don't have anyone but y'all I can share it with. Plus the fact that I gained access to the knowledge (without even asking) that Emily always pays the agreed-upon rent in a timely manner without any drama but spends less than one night a month in the shared crib.
     I've worked with Emily for a couple of years now, but we were just barely acquainted until about January. She's usually been nights and I'm mostly lunches there. We've been on the same shifts a little more here lately. Emily quit her day job working the counter at one of your second- or third-ranked "fast food" chicken franchises, Lee's Famous Recipe® or maybe Mrs. Winner's®, on the grounds that "it sucks." Consequently, she's started working a couple of lunches a week with me. That and I've recently picked up a few nights there too.
     Emily's in her mid-30's but looks to be in her early 40's. She's had a rough life, partied hard and smoked a lot of Newport 100's®. That's not to say she's unattractive or anything, she's slim and actually pretty decent-looking. She talks with a very pronounced Southern, country accent. She dresses nice but pushes the boundaries of what the approved uniform at work is. She's got scarves and earrings and bracelets and rings and shit like that. Sartorially, she seems to be heavily influenced by classic rock singers like Janis Joplin and Stevie Nicks. Emily's titties are pretty little but she always wears low-cut shirts that make the most of what cleavage she has.
     We can wear long or short sleeves at that job. Most everybody rocks the short, but not Emily. Only once have I ever seen her wearing  short sleeves. She had a couple of big, pink–splotches, I think you call them–on her arms. I thought she'd been burned on the heatlamps—something that happens to me with shocking semi-regularity—and commented thusly. "No," she said matter-of-factly, "I have Lupus."
     The other day Emily was picking up vouchers off her vacated tables as lunch was winding down. I was next to the POS register that Emily was fixing to enter her tips on. She doesn't usually do stuff like this, but I guess because I was standing right there, she showed me, unbidden, one of her vouchers. It was signed and the tip line was filled in with the correct arithmatic completed, just like it's supposed to be. At the top of the slip, in very feminine-looking cursive, was written, "Great Job! Keep up the Good Work!" and a smiley face. The bill had been for about 13 dollars and Emily had been tipped a whopping 20 bucks on it.
     "Way to go," I said. "She really liked you!" or something like that.
     Emily's big brown eyes looked even more sad than usual and she flashed me a forlorn little smile that was more melancholy than cheerful. "That's my DCS worker," Emily said. "She's the one who took my kids."

Monday, March 4, 2013

Win a Dream Date with Jodi Arias! ©2013 by Joe Sixtop all rights reserved

     Sorry, I can't really get you a date with Jodi Ann Arias. I don't even think she's eligible for any conjugal visits right now. Which is too bad, 'cause from what I'm given to understand, she's a really fun chick. Except that she might kill your ass; she's currently on trial for murdering her boyfriend, T-Dogg. And she didn't just kill him, she killed the shit out of him. Allegedly.
     The reason I even mention all this is because you (or at least I) can't glance in the direction of that TV behind the bar at work that's always tuned to CNN without seeing the bespectacled (yet still cute!) visage of Jodi Ann so she must be pretty damn important. Plus the fact that she's one of us. Yep, before her legal troubles started, Jodi Arias waited tables at Casa Ramos®, a popular Mexican-style chain they have out west. And she claims to have worked at Margaritaville® even though she maybe didn't but if she did, she'll probably be acquitted on grounds of compassion and possible insanity. This paragraph contains some feeble attempts on my part at Search Engine Optimization, by the way. Hope it works!
     The real topic of today's episode is a co-worker of mine named Emily. Well, it isn't really but I wanted it to be. Her story's interesting and I've been trying to put it together in a coherent manner to tell for the last week or so. Unfortunately, it isn't ready yet. You'll probably get it later this month. Meanwhile, I just (figuratively) pulled this here installment out of my keester, kind of like you do if a table asks you about the new featured menu items and you haven't learned them yet.

      In conclussion, I think it's safe to say that we've all learned something here today. Safe, but inaccurate. Anybody that cares about learning (and is or was a server) should click this link right here and take the survey that Wm. Michael Lynn, the Burton M. Sack Professor in Food & Beverage Management in Cornell University's School of Hotel Administration, has there. It won't take a lot of time and it's pretty interesting. Professor Mike has a well-deserved rep as being a world-class authority on tipping and you can help him add to that knowledge. Thanks.
                                                  From a couple of weeks later:
     Did you take the survery? I hope so but if ya didn't it's too late now. The survery is over and the results are in. Professor Lynn was kind enough to send me a link to the results, which are pretty interesting. He didn't mention that I couldn't share that link with y'all and I'm guessing he would have if it was some big secret or something. .