A Slippery Slope ©2011 by Joe Sixtop all rights reserved

     I did something tonight I'm pretty sure I've never done before in all my years waiting tables. I accidentally dropped a piece of cutlery into the trash back by the dish hole and instead of at least trying to fish it out, just said, "Fuck it."
     I was pretty busy when it happened and it didn't help that a cook had just gotten all smartass when I asked for something it's his job to provide. I was still a little angry about that. Plus I'd taken a nap between shifts—something I do fairly regularly, usually without ill effects—and awoke with a groggy feeling I couldn't shake; in fact it's still with me even as I'm composing the drivel you see before you now. The fucktarded way they have the trashcans back there is real conducive to letting shit like that slide too.
     You might not believe it, but I've always striven to be a conscientious employee and I kind of surprised myself by how I dealt with that fork. There probably have been times over the years when I've chucked utensils without noticing, although I'm sure it hasn't happened often. There may have been occasions when I noticed I'd tossed a piece of silverware and tried to retrieve it unsuccessfully, but I honestly don't remember that ever happening.
     One good thing about tonight was that my "zone buddy" was my new all-time favorite co-worker Brianna, whose beauty is only surpassed by her kind heart and winning personality. I know that statement must read like sarcasm, even to me, but I assure you it isn't. She and I commiserated as we detailed our stations after we'd been cut. Her day was worse than mine. At least I'd been at a different shitty job in the morning, and gotten a nice break in between. I don't know why I didn't tell her about the squandered utensil. Maybe saying it aloud would make it seem less like an abberation and more like the first step down a slippery slope. If I had of told her, she'd probably have giggled and said, "Don't worry about it Joe. I do that all the time!"
      ANYWAY, one of my tables tonight had used a three dollars-off coupon that you get if you attend a football game at the stadium where I'm a part-time beer vendor (Yo, Beer Man" January, 2011). I was pleasantly surprised that I only had to deal with one of those tonight. When I was getting everything together so I could do a checkout, I had the ticket with that coupon stapled to it on top of my paperwork. A co-worker named Dontrelle walked by and saw the coupon.
     "You got that at the game, didn't ya?" he grinned. He goes to a lot of those games, inclucing the one this past weekend. "Every time I go I scoop up as many of those as I can. I know you get a lot of 'em, walking around there with that big ol' beer tub all day!"
     I guess I'm kind of naive, and I didn't know what he was talking about. "What do ya mean?" I asked.
     "Dude," he replied, "use one of those about once a day on a cash ticket. Don't do it much more than that so the office don't get suspicious. It about pays for that nice-ass cell phone I got!"
     I chuckled a little, said, "Whatever, dude," and bade him goodnight as he walked out the door. Dontrelle doesn't seem like the shady type, but ya never know. He also doesn't seem like the dumb type who'd voluntarily divulge something like that to someone, me, he doesn't know real well. Who knows? Maybe it's a sneaky set-up and Dontrelle is a member of the company's loss prevention team. Or maybe he's just a snitch-bitch on a fishing expedition. But I very seriously doubt either proposition. I know I don't feel so bad about that fork anymore though.

Joe Beer Man! c2011 by Joe Sixtop all rights reserved

     This one was ready to go almost a month ago but you're just now getting it. Stuff happened and I wrote about that instead. Plus there's probably an optimal time to post this (right before baseball season? preseason football? Hall and Oates reunion tour?) but something's always going on, so we're going with now.
     In the unlikely event that you're reading this, you probably work in a restaurant. If so, you might find this interesting: another hustle that's kind of like waiting tables, but not really. I roam the football stadium several times every autumn selling beer and you probably can too.
     The next time you have tickets to a concert or sporting event, get to the venue about 90 minutes early. Cruise around the building until you find the employee entrance. Ask someone that you see going in if there's anyone you can discuss vending opportunities with. You'll probably get a supervisor to come out and talk to you, or at least get a phone number. It's very unlikely that you'll be invited to work that evening's event and you've got tickets to it anyway, so just go somewhere and get drunk until the show starts. Of course you don't have to have tickets; you could just go to the building when you know something's going on. Who knows? You might luck into some ducats or a good party or something.
     If you're going to be in the arena anyway you could just call a vendor over and ask them what you have to do to become their coworker. If you go this route, remember to buy something and tip when you do (sorry for even mentioning that but perhaps somebody not of our tribe is reading this). I'll give my supervisor's contact information to anyone who asks unless they're wasted or they say or do something I don't like.
     I got the gig because a client who's in the vendor-supervising business came to my bar one night and asked if I knew anyone who might want to work the Puny Possums' games. "Hell yeah. Me!", and I've been there ever since. I mostly work just the home games of that one football team. I get their schedule several weeks before the season starts, making it easy to coordinate things with my other jobs. However, I have worked a few concerts and a minor-league hockey game.
     Every location and event is different and they have different policies about things like who has to be carded, how many you can sell to an individual, if you have to pour the shit into a cup or not. Beer is sold at all pro games but not at all college contests. Alcohol isn't available at some concerts. And most venues have secret shoppers and spying eyes in the skies, so be aware. In some jurisdictions you've got to have some kind of alcohol license, which if you work in a restaurant you already have. If that's what's up, you're pretty much guaranteed the gig if you want it.
     Anyway, it's not for everybody. The beverage box is bulky and when full of ice and product, very heavy. Just like where you work, most people are OK, but we get our share of jerks and fucktards. The money's usually at least adequate, but sometimes it isn't. The weather can have a big impact on your day. I like it though. It's good exercise, the money's often great and since they'll probably make you give last call during the third quarter and there's no sidework (!), if you're capable of being cool you can discretely slide in somewhere and watch the fourth quarter for free!
     I like to amuse myself and the attendees by yelling out entertaining things like "Beer! Drinks like a soda, kicks like an energy drink!" and my favorite, "I've got beechwood-aged BUDWEISER! It's kind of like Bud Light, only good!" and "You don't have to leave your seat to beat the heat!" That last one doesn't work after the middle of October, but as a way to get out of my shitty usual gig on a weekend and still make some money, beer vending works for me.